You invest part of yourself in a relationship, it forms part of your history and it becomes your vision of the future. When it ends it feels like part of you is missing and rather than seeing a future you look forward to, you may feel like you are standing at the edge of the abyss. No wonder it hurts and is often referred to as heartbreak.
Yet at the same time, relationship breakups are normal part of life, sadly they happen every day, seemingly more and more often in modern times, one only has to look at current divorce statistics to see that.
Almost everyone experiences the pain of a relationship breakup at some point in their lives, but we can and indeed do, recover to love again. If we didn’t, the world would be full of unhappy people, in a constant state of misery.
Every parent is sad to see their children grow up and leave home, but they let them go because they love them and know that if they stand in their way they will stifle their chance to grow. They love them enough to let them go and put their needs first. Although it is often much harder to do this with a partner we can still learn a great deal from this principle.
An essential part in recovery is to understand and accept that ALL things must end….. Except new beginnings. All relationships no matter how precious or wonderful will eventually end, either death or circumstances will part you from it at some point. HOWEVER, your capacity for love and ability to form new relationships is a constant and never ends!
Many people feel they gain their very sense of security from a particular relationship but one can never gain any real security from something, which by its very nature, must eventually end. Security can only come from that which is constant and failure to understand that leads to much additional misery when a relationship ends.
A partner often soothes issues we have within ourselves. In such cases, a breakup is not only painful, but can have a devastating effect on our self-esteem.
The main reason for this is that whatever issues we have, we learn naturally, to at least “cope” with them. A special partner comes along who not only makes your coping with those issues easier, but also seemingly quells them altogether. They make you feel desirable to the opposite sex, make you feel like a good lover, make you feel like someone worthy of love.
They leave, BOOM, you aren’t only missing their ability to quell these issues, but now have to learn to cope with them and get used to them all over again.
Realise this! Use a pain filled break up as an opportunity to recognize and get rid of this self-esteem problem once and for all. Don’t be a co-dependant, always defining who is important to you by what gaps of yours they can fill, instead be a complete person all by yourself. Seek the permanent company of people you WANT around you, not NEED around you. Eventually you don’t hurt anymore this way, and instead will find yourself in better relationships with other “whole people” like yourself.
Often when you don’t want a relationship to end and it does anyway you will hold onto the pain as a means of not accepting it as REALLY over. You fantasize about the other person crawling back begging for another chance, because they’ve seen the error of their ways. Not a good idea, this only prolongs things, focus on YOU and what they did to “complete you” that needs to be complete on its own.
Remember you are physically the same now as before you were ever hurting over this person, only now you aren’t used to being you anymore, you are used to being you AND them together.
Counselling and therapy can help enormously with this. Contact us now to find out how we can help.
There are also many other common misconceptions and fears which can make it harder than it needs to be to get over a breakup
Believing this person was your “soulmate”, your “one and only”. When you are a baby your mother is your “one and only” and that is the only time in life when we have a “one and only”! There are 7 billion people on this planet half of whom are the opposite sex, have you met all of them? This person was one of “A” right type not “THE” right one!
What if I never fall in love again? Was this the “only” time you have ever been in love? I doubt it, but even if that is the case, it does not mean you cannot ever fall in love again. People do! Every day!
What if I’m alone forever after this? Name 3 people you know who have been alone for 5 years or more except by choice? I have never met anyone who could do this!
Such distorted thinking can lead to devastation rather than appropriate sadness following a breakup, for help and support with this seek our professional help now!
If you convince yourself that you find it exceptionally unfortunate if your mate rejects you, you strongly imply that you would find it distinctly fortunate if you persuaded him or her to return to your relationship; and that you would deem it almost as fortunate if you could relate to someone else in a satisfying way. Consequently you will feel motivated, by conceiving this event as unfortunate, to do something about it: for example, winning love again; getting into a good relationship with another mate; or enjoying as much as you can the advantages of not having a mate. But if you convince yourself of the awfulness of your mate’s rejection, you will tend to do little or nothing about it.
For some people, although heartbroken, the relationship was not healthy and the end was inevitable. For some the feeling of devastation after a breakup is not new and they have found themselves in such situations many times. In such cases they may be suffering from love addiction, an advanced symptom of co-dependence.
For immediate first aid, physically exercise to flood your body with endorphins and start to feel better about yourself. Start something new, join a club, find a new hobby or volunteer for something. This will increase your social circle, distract you and in time give you the opportunity to meet someone else. Take care of yourself, eat well, sleep and take a pride in your appearance. Remember you are in a grief cycle, which is a process and it will take time to heal.
There are a number of NLP and other techniques, which can reduce the time it takes to get over a breakup. Contact Dolphin Hypnotherapy in Bournemouth, today or book online now using voucher code INITIALAC for your free introductory consultation. (Please note that in the event of non-attendance or cancellation with less than 48 hours notice, our standard consultation fee will be charged).
This page was written by Mr T.Roberts, Consultant Psychotherapist. Learn more.